


What I Couldn't Be

by daphnethewriter



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sex, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Memory Loss, Pain, Romance, Sex, Smut, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:06:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daphnethewriter/pseuds/daphnethewriter
Summary: All he remembers is agony and isolation... and HER.Rey finds Kylo Ren tortured and left for dead. With no memory of who he is or what he's done, he is at her mercy. Mercy is what she gives him.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 104
Kudos: 399





	1. I'm Coming

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll go ahead and mark this as explicit because we are ABSOLUTELY going to earn that later.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: suicidal thoughts

Whoever had tried to kill him hadn’t done a thorough job.

He didn’t remember who had done it, or how, or why. He couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t in pain, when he wasn’t alone. The world had descended into darkness, just him and the unmarked grave where he’d been buried. His body ripped itself apart with every ragged breath. Each beat of his heart sent a new pulse of pain like lightning in his veins.

Consciousness flickered like the flame of a candle, always a hairsbreadth from going out entirely. Any moment could be his last and he welcomed that with open arms. Anything to end the pain. It would be so easy to just sink into the darkness.

But life clung to him. Something in the universe—perhaps the universe in its entirety—refused to let him go. Even here, forgotten and buried where nothing should exist, life wormed its way to him, sustaining him where he desperately sought the end.

Sometimes he dreamed. He saw the world through another’s eyes, felt a warm presence that was as familiar to him as the pain. She was soft and light. She was a world without pain.

Bitterness rose in his chest like bile. She must know that he was there. She must know he was suffering.

_Why don’t you come for me?_

In his worst moments, he flooded her with his agony. If he must suffer, why did she taunt him with her glimpses of radiance? He loved her for the peace she offered and he _hated_ her for leaving him here.

#

Rey was going mad. She knew that, even as she ran through the checklist of the Falcon’s controls. She shouldn’t fly it without a copilot, but that didn’t matter now.

Because she was going mad.

She hadn’t slept in weeks. Anytime she dropped from sheer exhaustion, she dreamed. Pain and terror and hatred seethed through her. The all encompassing dark crowded in around her and forced its way down her throat, choking her, filling her up until there was nothing left of her inside. She always woke screaming.

_Why don’t you come for me?_

The urge to _go somewhere_ had come not long after the dreams. Where she needed to be, she didn’t know, but she felt a tug as if a string tangled around her heart and the end extended far into the sky. She didn’t even know if there was a person at the other end of whatever was pulling her back to the stars.

Poe and Finn and Leia had all warned her against following the instinct. This connection, whatever it was, wasn’t safe. It could be a trap, Kylo Ren abusing the force bond to lure her to him.

They didn’t understand. The force bond had never been like this. She had seen Kylo Ren, had spoken with him, touched him once, but never had she experienced something so all-encompassing. Besides, that bond had ended as the last remnants of Snoke dissipated into the universe. Rey hadn’t felt the connection from Kylo Ren since she’d fled on Crait.

But what did Rey know? She was too busy going mad.

_Why don’t you come for me?_

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Rey muttered. The Force flexed around her as it performed the tasks that her copilot should do. She kept the Falcon as quiet as she could. It was night, but the Resistance would notice the most iconic ship in the fleet taking off without permission. She didn’t want to leave with any fanfare. They’d only try to drag her back. She needed to be gone so fast that all they saw was the flash as she jumped into hyperspace.

A fresh wave of agony washed through her and she doubled over against the console.

_Why don’t you come for me?_

“Damn it!” Rey shouted, “What do you think I’m trying to do?”

“Rey,” said a soft voice behind her.

She whirled to find Finn standing just at the entrance to the cockpit.

“What _are_ you trying to do?” he asked.

“Finn, I—”

“Because it looks like you’re stealing the Millennium Falcon.”

“Well—”

“ _Have you lost your mind_?”

Rey couldn’t help the hysterical little giggle that escaped. That was exactly what had happened. Her mind was a million lightyears away, writhing in agony, and she needed to go find it.

The laugh cut into a groan as pain overtook her and Rey dropped to her knees. Finn rushed forward with a cry.

“We need to get you to the medics.”

“I’ve been to the medics. There’s nothing wrong with me.” Her assertion was immediately undercut by the feeling that her insides had been put through the engine of a Star Destroyer.

“Then Leia,” Finn continued. He looped one arm around her back and the other under her knees and hoisted her up. “she’ll know—”

“Finn,” Rey said, managing to shove aside the pain long enough to steady her voice. Her training with Luke hadn’t been all for nothing, after all. “I need you to do something for me.”

Finn paused. “Anything.”

“Forgive me.” Rey pressed her palm against his forehead and _pushed_ with the Force. She’d never done this before, but that idea had to be pretty simple, right? She wanted Finn unconscious and the Force could do that.

Finn didn’t have time to register his surprise before he collapsed in a heap, Rey landing with a _whumpf_ on top of him. Her head knocked against the panel behind her and for a moment, all she saw was fireworks behind her eyes. This new pain—all hers, only hers—was refreshing. It gave the world a sharp clarity that Rey desperately needed.

She dragged Finn off the ramp (the ridiculously heavy former stormtrooper was not easy to move) and behind some supply boxes nearby in the hangar. He’d be safe and eventually he would be discovered, but not for a while—just long enough for Rey to make her escape.

_Why don’t you come for me?_

“Shut up already,” Rey snapped. “I’m coming.”

#

His torture took a new form: hope. She was coming. Finally, she was coming to rescue him.

Except she wasn’t.

She couldn’t be. She was just a figment of his imagination. She was something that his mind had made to keep him hanging on. There would be no rescue, no reprieve. She wasn’t really coming for him. No one was.

He sank back into the pain that was his whole universe, unable to hold onto the thread of hope that was his only lifeline.

#

T’Cher was a shitty planet.

90% of it was covered in a shallow sea too salty to support anything other than toxic, bright pink algae. The other 10% was a bog teeming with all manner of unpleasant creatures with too many teeth and tentacles. There was _one_ outpost and no one had been there but the regular traders in generations.

It was a shitty planet in a shitty system in a shitty, backwater part of the galaxy.

Rey didn’t even have the mental capacity to hate it. She was in the right place, she _knew_ that, but the dizzying need to _find_ had only grown stronger as the lightyears had flown by. She still hadn’t slept. She’d barely eaten. Her mind was a haze of pain that took her breath away. The ship had barely landed at the space port before Rey stumbled out. Her vision blurred, too bright and too dark all at once. The world was a roar of sound around her.

She shoved a fistful of credits in the hand of the angry Yarkora that approached her.

“I need transport.” Rey heard her voice, but couldn’t register having used it.

Money, it seemed, was the universal language of friendship. The local equipped her with a speeder and a small amount of provisions. As she waited, she picked at her nails until they bled. Her soul tore her into pieces at her inaction.

It was getting late on the planet, the Yarkora told her. The bogs were dangerous in the dark.

Rey didn’t respond, just took what he offered and left. Waiting would not help her. She had somewhere she needed to be and nothing in the galaxy would stop her now.

#

Restlessness settled over his bones. There was something he needed to do. There was somewhere he needed to be.

For the first time in forever, he strained against the bonds that held him. Agony raced through him as old wounds tore free and fresh blood flowed over his skin. He screamed, but his tomb only echoed his own madness back to him.

#

The Force must have been guiding the speeder rather than Rey. Otherwise, she would have ended up as a fiery heap of scrap metal against one of the tangles of trees and roots.

The acidic rain stung as it struck against her skin. The choking atmosphere stuck in her lungs. Rey didn’t notice. She was barely conscious now, overwhelmed by a blinding new wave of pain.

She was close now. She had to be. She wouldn’t survive much longer if she wasn’t.

The engine sputtered, then stalled. The speeder careened dangerously, bounced off from an upturned root, then skid to a stop, half-submerged in the bog water.

It took Rey a very long time to claw out from under the speeder. She groaned as she pushed upward, arms shaking with the effort. The bog sucked at her hands and for a moment, she feared it would swallow her whole before she ever reached her goal. She reached for a nearby branch, missed, tried again, then wrenched herself forward. She screamed as the metal sides of the speeder scored deep scratches into her legs.

Finally on semi-solid ground, she sat with her head between her knees, gulping down air that stung her throat. The darkness that the Yarkora had warned her of was descending in earnest. The trees cast eerie shadows that seemed to move without provocation. Something moved in the nearby water, something that emitted a rumbling growl and a strong feeling of hunger.

The water…

The water was all around her… the trees’ roots plunged deep into the murky mud… there were no solid surfaces to speak of… so… _what was she sitting on?_

Rey thumped her hand against the ground. The blow was softened by a deep layer of mud, but under that… an echoing thump resonated.

Rey forgot all the aches in her body and shoved aside even the disembodied pain that had drawn her here. She kneeled and clawed away layers of the muck. Wood and rocks tore at her hands, but she didn’t heed them. Finally, her fingers struck the hard, metallic surface underneath. She tore at the mud with renewed purpose, working in wide swathes until she found what hope told her must be there: the seam of a hatch.

The universe froze around her—the ripples in the water, the sway of the trees, the slow swirl of the stars overhead—holding its breath alongside Rey.

She brushed her fingers around the perimeter of the hatch. The immersion in the mud had tarnished its surface, but it was solid. Still, the mud was less thick here. Even with the tidal changes of the bog… someone must have uncovered this recently. Well… relatively recently.

Rey hoisted the hatch, heaving against the remaining mud until it came unstuck with a _shluurp_ and she stumbled back. The hiss of stale air escaped the hole.

#

Death felt an awful lot like hope.

That must be what this was, after all. Finally, he was going to die. It was a surprising relief.

His delusion had been drifting steadily closer. He knew better than to think that she’d ever arrive. She didn’t exist. But if he could die, maybe he could finally see her, lie in her arms for all eternity.

That didn’t seem so bad.

#

Rey couldn’t tell what exactly she had found. An old rebel base? A hidden Imperial shelter? A smuggler’s stash?

Whatever it was, it was huge. An antiquated lighting system greeted her descent and illuminated corridors that snaked off in all directions. Rey took the third from the left.

She’d always been best served by her instincts ( _by the Force_ ) so she followed her feet where they wanted to go. One hallway ended in another, which led to another and another and another.

Perhaps this was her destiny? To wander these corridors forever, seeing the same blank walls over and over again…

She stopped in front of a door. It was just like all the others that she’d passed, but it called to her. She opened the panel and walked through.

Dried blood covered the floor, flooding her nostrils with the scent of death. Her knees went weak and she reached for something to stabilize her. Instruments of torture and death filled the room, glinting in the blinding overhead lights.

_What happened here?_

But she already knew the answer to that question. She’d felt the pain, hadn’t she?

Yet, what she sought wasn’t in here. She had to go on. She didn’t want to look, didn’t want to see what waited for her. But she had to. A door stood at the far side of the room and Rey’s chest seized as she looked at it. Whatever she was seeking, it waited for her inside.

Her heart beat in her throat as she crossed the room, boots sticking in the tacky remnants of blood. Her hand shook as she reached for the panel.

The doors _whooshed_ open, but no lights came to life inside. Only darkness filled the room beyond. Rey stood there, trying to stir whatever courage had brought her this far, when something shifted in the darkness.

Staring out from the black, were the eyes of Kylo Ren.


	2. Undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back and thank you ALL for your support in giving this fic such a great kick off <3

Rey would know those eyes anywhere. No one else had eyes like that—black as the space between stars, but burning with intensity. On a thousand planets, in a million galaxies, in any universe the Force could conjure, she’d know _him_.

Kylo Ren was the figure looming in the dark.

Rey’s heart stuttered and she stumbled back a few steps. Any moment now, his crackling red saber would ignite. He’d advance, looming over her with none of the affection he’d shown before, and cut her down.

Rey’s hand went for her lightsaber instinctually, but it wasn’t there. Of course not. It was torn in two, each piece lovingly laid in a box at her bedside on the Falcon.

Panic took over and Rey backed up without looking. She bumped into a metal table, sending instruments to the floor in a metallic rain. She never took her eyes from Ren’s. Her heart still beat a frantic rhythm against her chest. She groped behind her and her fingers found the handle of something heavy.

She pulled it in front of her, a massive metal hammer with a blade on the other end. That would work.

#

Darkness was replaced with blinding light and, for a moment, he couldn’t tell the difference. There had been nothing but the dark for so long. His eyes burned as he stared into this new world.

Slowly, a form took shape. The silhouette was smaller than he’d expected. Somehow, he’d thought _she_ would be bigger. She was his whole universe, after all… shouldn’t she occupy more space?

She approached and he managed to wrench his gaze from her face long enough to register what she held in her hands.

Ah… This wasn’t a rescue; it was an execution.

He hung his head, body sagging with relief. If this was his last breath, he’d gladly give it, as long as it was to her.

#

Kylo Ren hadn’t attacked. Rey’s whole body hurt from where she had tensed it too long. But he hadn’t moved, just stared at her. Then finally, he’d hung his head and she saw nothing more.

_Why wasn’t he attacking?_

Her mind struggled to piece together everything she saw. Exhaustion really had taken its toll on her. She could barely think. Rey took another cautious step forward.

His eyes had been too far down. He was a monstrous man; she should have been looking up at him. Why were his eyes so low?

Another step forward.

Something had clanked in the room when he’d moved. It glinted in the reflected light.

Another step.

He hadn’t attacked.

Rey squinted into the room, straining to see anything other than black. Slowly, shapes took form, but even then, she struggled to make sense of what she saw.

Kylo Ren kneeled on the floor, his black clothing hanging in tatters around his form. He was emaciated. Rey could see every bone in his body, some broken. Countless cuts and burns marred his skin. His arms bent behind him at impossible angles, tethered to the sides of the room by thick metal chains. His chest wept blood in an endless stream from where… where…

Rey cursed.

Massive metal hooks protruded through him, from his shoulder blades to collarbones. They were attached to the ceiling by more chains, holding him upright.

Bile rose in Rey’s throat. The hammer fell from her hand.

Rey knelt in front of him and peered up into his face. Ren didn’t respond. His head still hung low, his black hair matted against his face by blood. She brushed it back.

“What did they do to you?” she whispered.

His eyes opened again. They were clouded with pain—a sensation she still felt in the back of her mind—but something else shone underneath: naked adoration.

Rey cursed again (this time in every language she knew).

She’d promised herself that the next time she saw Kylo Ren, she’d kill him. No hesitation. And here he was, splayed out before her, near dead already, and she couldn’t lift a hand to harm him. Honestly, in this situation, death _would_ be the merciful thing to do. But when he looked at her like that, like she held all the stars in her eyes, she couldn’t do it.

Hell, she’d kill him later. Right now, she was going to save his life.

#

He was still alive. At least, he hoped he was. Because if this was death, it was not the relief that he had thought it would be.

She had vanished, left him alone in the room. He fought down a rising panic. She wouldn’t really leave him, would she? Not after he had finally seen her?

#

Supplies. Rey needed supplies. And a plan. A plan would be good.

Rey rummaged through the closest room she could find that contained medical equipment. Upturned drawers littered the floor as she threw bandages and instruments into a box, collecting anything and everything that might be of use.

Kylo Ren’s injuries were _extensive_ —so extensive that she didn’t know where to start with them. How had he stayed alive so long? If he’d been here for weeks (because she had felt his pain for _weeks_ ), what was keeping him alive?

The box squealed against the floor as Rey dragged it back toward the torture chamber where Ren was trapped. Her feet slipped against the scrubbed metal of the floors. She dug her heels in. She would not be undone by slick metal tiles. There were bigger problems to think of.

Ren’s injuries would reopen the second she cut him loose from his chains. Rey had only the most basic training that the Resistance had given her. That wasn’t a lot. Fuck supplies, what she needed was a whole med team. Preferably in a well-equipped hospital. But that wasn’t an option.

Whoever had left Kylo Ren here had meant for him to be dead and stay dead. The Resistance hadn’t known of his murder (successful or otherwise), but mostly wouldn’t object to it. There wasn’t anyone Rey could go to for help. Everyone in the galaxy wanted Kylo Ren dead and, up until a few minutes ago, that had included Rey.

Rey crossed back into the torture chamber. The room was just as ghastly as when she’d first entered, but this time, she forced herself to look at it with an appraising eye. The room was filled with tools; something here must be capable of destroying Ren’s bonds. She found a pair of bolt cutters resting against the wall, the metal crusted with dried blood. Those would do.

“I can do this,” Rey said. She closed her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath before she turned back toward Ren. “I can do this.”

He was watching her when she turned to face him.

“I can do this,” she said again.

#

He tried not to tremble as she approached. Even if he could feel her intention to help him, his body instinctively flinched from the pain that it knew was coming.

Her hand wavered over him, hesitating, before she cupped his cheek in her hand. The touch didn’t hurt and he wanted to cry from that miracle alone. He felt her determination like a hum in his bones. Her thumb stroked along his cheekbone. He narrowed his whole attention to that single square of skin, the one point of peace he’d experienced in so long.

Then her hand was gone and so was she. She circled him and his panic spiked the moment she was out of view. Immediately, her hand was on him again, a soothing touch letting him know she was still there.

#

His injuries were so much worse than Rey could have ever imagined. And Rey could imagine a lot of things.

Ren’s back was a mass of mangled flesh, ripped apart and healed, then ripped apart again. Flayed skin hung from exposed muscles, dried into tangles with the rotting fabric that had once been his clothing.

Not to mention the massive hooks that—

Rey closed her eyes and took a breath. She would deal with that later. She needed to start somewhere and she couldn’t treat Ren until she freed him. She swallowed, then looked again.

His arms were suspended behind him, held in place by chains connected to the walls. Rey had thought to just cut them, but now that she looked…

The chains didn’t merely wrap around his arms, they were _riveted_ into them. Where manacles should have been, each chain ended in a u-shaped spike driven between Ren’s bones.

She covered her mouth. A twisted, angry emotion uncoiled from her heart. This wasn’t just murder—or even just torture—this was hell, created just for Kylo Ren.

#

He wasn’t ready for the first wave of fresh pain. The chain snapped and all the other bonds ripped further into him. He couldn’t help the cry that escaped from him.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured from behind him. “I’m so sorry.”

Sorry? Why was she sorry?

She grunted with effort and another chain snapped. He cried out again.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice choked on the words this time.

Something wet dropped across his skin and he realized with a pang of guilt that she was crying. Crying for him.

He closed his eyes and when the next chain snapped, he made no sound. He held his agony to himself like a cloak. He had caused her enough pain; he’d spare her this if he could.

#

Ren was quiet now as Rey worked. Had he passed out from the pain? Rey hoped so. She hoped he didn’t have to feel what she was doing to him.

She couldn’t remove the spikes from his arms yet, but she’d freed the chains from the wall. His arms fell limp to his sides and his body hung freely from the hooks through his shoulders.

He grunted at the change and she realized that, no, he wasn’t unconscious. She had made a mistake. His face was beaded with sweat.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered again.

Urgency swept through her. She needed to work faster, get him out of this agony _now_.

She could cut the hooks. That would be the fastest way, but she couldn’t do both at the same time. And where would his weight go in the meantime? She closed her eyes, begging the universe for peace.

#

His arms fell to his side and he felt a new pain, a blissful pain, the pain of release.

She returned to crouch in front of him. Their eyes met for a long moment. He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of looking at her face. Freckles dotted her nose and cheeks like constellations. He would trace them, if only he could get his arms to move. He’d give anything to touch her.

“I know you’re in pain,” she said. “I can feel it. And I”—she chewed at her lip—“I want to make it stop for you. But this next part won’t be easy and I need your help.” She waited but he couldn’t respond. “I’m going to lift you. I need to you to take as much of your weight as you can so I can get the hooks out. Can you do that for me?”

Anything. He would do anything for her. _Anything._ He’d move the stars, burn the galaxy to the ground… _anything_ for her.

She seemed to see his resolve, because she nodded, then wrapped her arms around him and lifted.

It was agony— _absolute agony—_ but it was heaven to have her arms around him. For a moment, he forgot his role in this, but she grunted from the effort and he was called back to what she’d asked. He tried to pull his feet under him.

#

Rey didn’t know how Kylo Ren still had so much strength. He had lost all of the bulky muscle that she’d come to associate with his massive form. He’d been tortured to within an inch of his life, perhaps beyond. Blood flowed freely from the wounds she’d reopened while trying to help him.

Yet when she lifted, he stood alongside her. She felt the pain that ripped through him as he forced broken bones and muscles to obey him. He grimaced, but didn’t cry out as he had when she’d first begun.

The chains of the hooks slackened and Rey reached for the first. Ren’s head hung against her shoulder. She took a deep breath and carefully pulled the hook backward.

The metal caught against weeks of healed flesh and Ren screamed. Rey felt the agony down to her bones, but managed to keep her stance. One of them had to be strong and it couldn’t be Ren at the moment.

“Almost there,” she said, though she felt as if decades had already passed. “It’s okay.” No pain would be spared by waiting. “It’s okay,” she said again. She pulled the second hook out.

Ren collapsed against her.

#

He tried not to fall on her. He really did. But nothing in his body responded to his commands any more. The surge of new pain mixed with the relief from the old so that he couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. Blood flowed over his skin. How did he even have any more of that to spare?

His mind spun, unable to keep track of all that had happened. She was here. She’d freed him.

He didn’t have time to process anything beyond that before nothingness took him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! If you like what I make, please go check out my other fics!
> 
> [I See You (Loki x Reader)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12925671/chapters/29537217)  
> [The Silence Between Us (Steve Rogers x Reader)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9803252/chapters/22013903)  
> PLUS others in my profile!
> 
> And, hey, consider leaving a kudos, a comment, or [buying me a coffee](https://www.ko-fi.com/daphnethewriter) <3


	3. Fit Back Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Update! 
> 
> I've decided to update on Tuesdays from now on, so you guys know when new things are coming. Thanks again for the outpouring of love. You guys are the best <3 <3 <3

Rey couldn’t do this. She couldn’t fix Kylo Ren. She really couldn’t. She didn’t have the training, or the knowledge, or the _stomach_ to handle this.

Unfortunately, that didn’t change the fact that she _had_ to. Ren didn’t have anyone else to do it for him. And Rey was the one who had found him, had cut him down, had put him through even more pain when he’d suffered so much already. He was her responsibility.

She’d fixed a hyperdrive before. This couldn’t be much harder.

Right?

Her hands shook and she took a steadying breath.

Rey had always been good at fixing machines. Machines made sense. Wires and valves connected, each with their specific purpose. There was a simple elegance to machinery, even if the creator hadn’t put it together that way. Rey could always find the way to make it work.

As she set to work on Ren’s injuries, she found her mind falling into a familiar pattern: find what was wrong, figure out how it was supposed to work, put it back together. So, what if there was blood instead of hydraulic fluid? The same principle applied.

One problem at a time. There was no point in thinking about all the thousands of issues she faced. She could only do one thing at a time. So, focus on that.

Find what was wrong, figure out how it worked, put it back together. Next. Find what was wrong, figure out how it worked, put it back together. Next. Find what was wrong, figure out how it worked, put it back together. Next.

Rey’s mind sank further into her work and she lost track of the room around her. She felt Ren’s body as if it were an extension of her own. Flickers of light passed through him, connecting him to her. She saw the pathways pulse in time with his heart, saw the way they joined with the room around them in a single organism, all flowing in and around them. Every time she felt his life force fade, she flooded it with hers. He was part of her and she wouldn’t let him die.

#

It was dark when he woke. For a moment, he thought it had all been another dream, his mind playing tricks on him, giving him hope in a place where none could exist. But… there was no pain.

How could there be no pain?

He took a deep breath and felt a sharp tug all through his chest. Ah, there it was. But this pain was different. It was the pain of healing, of a body stitching itself back together. He took another experimental breath. It ached, but it filled him with hope.

He tensed each muscle in his body starting at his toes. Some screamed in protest, some didn’t respond at all. But he was all there, whole and accounted for.

He took stock of his surroundings. He was laying on his back with something soft underneath him. A bed. Wonderful.

He was still in the dark, which… he didn’t like that. He wanted to see. He wanted to know where she was. She was still with him in the room. He could hear her soft breathing as she slept. But she was across the room. He didn’t like to have her so far away.

Without the ever-present pain, he could feel her across their connection more clearly. Her mind was quiet, a soft swirl of colors that blended into his thoughts like mist. He sank into the feeling and let her presence fill him completely. He’d never had to luxury to do that before.

Something stirred in the back of his mind. There was something he should remember, but he couldn’t. He tried to grasp it, but it was like gripping broken glass. The effort hurt too much and he let go.

As if responding to his pain, she shifted across the room, murmuring in her sleep. There was a twinge of discomfort, but it wasn’t from him… from her? She was curled in on herself, huddled against a corner with her head pressed to the cold metal wall. She was cold and cramped and uncomfortable. He didn’t like that either.

#

Something roused Rey. She blinked against the dark, mind muddled with the deepest sleep she’d had in weeks. What had woken her?

She took her time standing, stretching cramped muscles as she went. Something stirred against her mind and her attention fell to Kylo Ren. He was awake as well. So… he’d survived.

She reached for the room controls and flooded the room with harsh, white light. Ren didn’t move, but his eyes followed her as she crossed the room to check on him.

She crouched at his side. “Hey,” she said. Her voice automatically fell into softer tones, the ones everyone adopted with someone who was injured. But this wasn’t anyone. This was Kylo Ren and he’d probably choke her if he had the ability to move his hand. Rey cleared her throat. “Does anything hurt? I don’t know what I did. I may have made things worse and—” She was babbling. She’d never done that before. It was the kind of thing that Finn would do, not her. But Ren was unnerving her with that intense stare of his, never wavering from her face. Like he was trying to see through her. Like he actually could.

Ren’s hand wrapped around hers, the lightest of brushes. Rough bandages and skin against her skin. The words she’d been about to say stilled on her tongue.

Rey had buried all hope for Ben Solo along with the dead on Crait. He had made his choice and so had she. It didn’t matter that, at this moment, he was in pain and he was desperate…

She stood abruptly and pulled her hand from his grasp. “I’ll let you sleep.”

 _Stay with me_.

Rey swallowed. “I am with you. Right over there.”

The corners of his lips tugged down. He echoed her own discomfort back to her across the bond. She felt her own aches—cramped muscles, the strain in her neck—as if they were brand new.

The request was part and parcel with the swirl of thoughts that he’d shared: stay on the bed _with him_. “I’m fine where I am. You need to rest.”

Ren scowled and wrapped his fingers around hers. She snatched her hand back.

“And stop taking my hand,” she snapped. She turned to go back to the far wall, but heard him moving behind her. She turned to look and he was trying to get off the bed.

“What are you doing?” she cried. “Stop.” She rushed back to his side and pushed him down. “You’ll reopen _everything_ and—”

Ren had taken her hand again, this time holding it against his chest.

“I said stop doing that.”

 _Please_.

And well, that just _broke_ her. How could she say no to that?

“The lights—”

_Leave them. I don’t like the dark._

The admission felt so childish. Kylo Ren afraid of the dark? The thought was absurd. But after spending so much time in his mind, Rey couldn’t suppress a shudder at the memory of being trapped in the dark for weeks on end. 

Ren tugged at her insistently until she laid by his side. There wasn’t much room on the bed. Even though he’d lost a great deal of his bulk, he still took up most of the space. Rey stretched our next to him, barely inches between them. Ren sighed and relief flooded through the connection. Rey wrapped her arms around her middle. She’d never shared a bed with someone before, in any capacity. On Jakku, she was always alone. So alone.

 _You aren’t alone_.

The backs of Ren’s fingers ran against her hand. It was the smallest touch, but he shouldn’t be moving even that much.

“Just rest,” Rey said.

#

Time was a funny thing. If there were no marks of its passage, did it really exist? He’d lived an eternity in dark. Now that he was out, now that he was with her, things seemed to move impossibly fast.

She seemed intent on following some sort of schedule. Something internal told her that tasks needed to be completed. She wouldn’t sit down, wouldn’t just be with him.

He felt he was trapped in a world moving at half the speed of hers. He couldn’t move much, couldn’t do anything without her help. Her pace was dizzying in comparison. 

She had helped him to sit up in the bed, leaned back against the wall. He’d recovered just enough that the continuing need for her assistance rankled him. He didn’t mind having her hands on him, but he’d rather touch her of his own accord. He chaffed against his limitations, but she seemed to attribute his emotions to something else.

“You need to eat.” She rummaged through drawers and pulled packets and cans of ready-made food from within. They were the sort of thing that was nutritionally complete and verifiably disgusting. She held it in front of him triumphantly. He scowled. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “It’s what we have.” She sat next to him.

 _Scavenger._ The word bubbled into his mind from nowhere. She paused in her movements and looked down. The warmth he’d felt radiating from her only moments before shut off as if a door had slammed between them. A bubble of panic rose through his chest. In his mind, the term had felt affectionate. But she’d tinged red and shrank from him. _I’m sorry._

“It’s not like you haven’t called me that before,” she said.

He watched her struggle with the package. He had that feeling again, that there was something that he should know. He was putting together a puzzle made from broken glass and he didn’t even know what it looked like. But… maybe she did?

_What should I call you?_

Her eyes narrowed. There was a pause before she answered as she studied him. “Rey,” she said.

Her name felt like sunshine in his mind. Rey. His Rey. It fit into place perfectly.

 _What do you call me?_ he asked. True, he wanted to know, but more importantly, he wanted to hear her say it. He wanted to hear his name on her lips.

The pause was even longer this time. “Ben,” she said finally. “You’re Ben Solo.” She was watching him, looking for something, a reaction from him. “Do you not…? You don’t remember anything?”

_I remember you._

“That’s not”—she shook her head—"You didn’t even remember my name.”

He bristled, indignation flowing through him. But that was quickly replaced with frustration. _There are things I should remember._ Things like her name. Like how they’d met, why she was so cautious around him… Like why his whole universe seemed to revolve around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like what I write, consider leaving a kudos, a comment, or [buying me a coffee](https://www.ko-fi.com/daphnethewriter) <3


	4. Slipping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday and Happy Update!  
> I hope everyone is having a good week <3

Rey needed to fix the speeder. She would need to get back to the outpost eventually—either for supplies, or for the Falcon, or to get the hell off this planet—and there was no way she’d make it through the bog all the way back there by herself.

Unfortunately, that meant digging through the three feet of muck that had accumulated over it. She leaned over the exposed exhaust pipe that marked where the speeder lay buried. She swiped away handfuls of mud, but every time she did, it was replaced with even more. After twenty minutes, she’d made no more than a dent and was half buried herself.

Rey sat back and wiped her hair out of her face, leaving a streak of filth in its wake. The rain dripped over her face, stinging her eyes.

What she needed was a winch or a lever… something she could use to force—

The Force.

Why did she always forget about that?

Of course, it wouldn’t be easy. She’d lifted heavier things before—whole boulders—but that had been when the fate of the Resistance was in her hands. Every time she’d tried on Ahch-To, she’d given herself a splitting headache and not so much as a pebble off the ground.

Rey stood. “I can do this,” she said. She took a deep breath. “I can do this.” She closed her eyes and reached out with her feelings. Energy pulsed around her, flaring like stars in the darkness of her mind. The trees formed a network of life that threaded through the bog. Tiny froglike creatures burrowed through the mud. The speeder stood out, a dark spot in the flashing field of life.

Rey focused her attention around the cold metal. She tied invisible threads together, fastening the speeder to her.

“I can do this,” Rey whispered and pulled. She felt the resistance of the speeder through her whole body. The mud sucked at it, reluctant to give up its prey to her. The space behind her eyes throbbed. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled harder. She could feel the speeder rising, sloughing off muck by inches. Slurping sounds broke the normal drone of insects in the bog as she freed the speeder.

_Rey?_

Her concentration slipped and the speeder crashed back into the mud. Rey cursed.

 _Where are you?_ There was a tone of panic in Ben’s voice.

 _What do you want?_ Rey snapped. Needles jabbed through her temples. She rubbed her fingers against the pain.

_Are you safe?_

Rey bristled. _I don’t need you checking in on me._

And she didn’t. It was the same knee jerk feeling she’d had when Finn first grabbed her hand. She’d always looked after herself. She’d always handled things by herself. She wasn’t about to stop now.

The speeder was still half-buried in the mud and slowly slipping back into oblivion. She wouldn’t be able to raise it again so soon.

Rey cursed again and turned to go back inside.

#

Memories were slippery things. Ben— _that was his name, Rey had said it was his name, she’d said so_ —tried to hold onto them as they flitted through his mind. It was like catching fish in a stream with nothing but his bare hands. Every time he thought he had a grasp on one, it slid out of his fingers.

There were things he needed to remember. Important things. Things he needed in order to keep Rey safe.

That much he knew. Keeping Rey safe was the most important thing. And there was a danger to her lurking just outside his thoughts, something that he _needed_ to know. But a wall of pain and darkness separated him from those memories.

And now Rey was angry with him.

How had that happened? He’d felt her pain and called for her. Was that wrong?

Ben raised a hand in front of his face. The fingers trembled and he curled them into a fist. Pain raced up the nerves, lighting his bones on fire. He released the grip with a wince. Healing took time, he knew that, but urgency pressed against he back of his mind. Something was coming for them.

#

Rey still hadn’t gotten used to the idea of showers. There was never enough water on Jakku to drink, much less wash away in such a wasteful manner. Even with the Resistance, sonic showers were more plentiful than the hydro variety.

Habits were hard to break. Watching the stream swirling down the drain, Rey had to remind herself that T’Cher was composed mostly of water. The supply certainly wouldn’t run out.

She stepped under the showerhead fully clothed. The muck of the bog had soaked through to her skin, sticking the fabric to her skin. She’d have to wash it no matter what, might as well get it done all at once. What rinsed off of her was more mud than water and Rey grumbled as she scrubbed the cloth against itself.

The door to the fresher opened with a _whoosh_.

Rey whirled around, forgetting for a moment the slick floor and crashing into the side of the shower. She overbalanced and tried to catch herself against the metal. It offered no grip and she landed unceremoniously on her ass.

A string of swears filled the air and she glared up from the floor to see Ben looming over her. His eyes darted to the side.

_You didn’t come back…_

Rey swore some more, picking a few of the more exotic out of her repertoire.

 _I was worried_.

“I don’t need you peeping around while I’m in here.” She clambered back to her feet. “Now get out.”

_You’re bleeding._

So she was. Her tumble had given her a graze along her elbow. “It’s fine. Just go.”

Ben wouldn’t meet her eyes. _I was worried_ , he repeated.

Stubborn jackass. Rey reconsidered knocking some sense into him. His gaze jumped to her, then darted away just as quickly. Rey’s eyes narrowed. No… this was more than just stubbornness. He _was_ worried. Still worried. It flooded over the Force bond, even if he was trying to hide it. And not all the worry was reserved for her. He didn’t want to be alone.

Well, _hell_. What was Rey supposed to do about that?

Ben had hefted himself out of bed and all the way in here when he should be resting. She’d known he was stubborn and that he had a tendency to disregard his own well-being. She just hadn’t expected it to manifest in ways that were quite so… endearing.

“Go sit down,” she said, “and at least close your eyes.”

#

Ben closed his eyes.

Panic simmered under his skin as darkness enfolded him. He took a deep breath. This was different. He chose this darkness. He could end it at any time. And he wasn’t alone. Rey was with him, just an arm’s length away.

She hadn’t wanted him to see her, which was… fine. It was fine. He hadn’t thought when he walked into the room that it would be such a big deal to her. He’d thought their intimacy extended beyond that. After all, she’d seen every scar he carried.

Somehow, there was a distance between them that he didn’t understand. She pushed him away at every opportunity. She shied from him when he tried to touch her. She glanced away whenever he looked to her. Something had happened between them. Something he didn’t remember. Just another in a list of thousands of things he didn’t remember.

They should be closer than this. Something bone deep told him that was true. She was his… his… _fuck_. The memory slipped away just like all the ones before. He’d almost had it that time. Maybe, if he just _asked_ Rey, she’d tell him. She’d tell him everything he was missing and he wouldn’t have to wonder anymore.

The panic had crept back. Ben flexed his hands against his thighs and focused on the sound of the water to drive it away. The droplets against the metal plinked like music and a background thrumming echoed where the water hit Rey instead.

Ben’s mind fell out from under him as if swept down the drain. The water against Rey’s skin. He could practically see it. He could see every curve of her form like his eyes weren’t closed.

Small and surprisingly muscular, thinner than she should be from years of near-starvation. Her skin was permanently tanned, like she’d consumed the sun and glowed from within. Freckles peppered her shoulders and back.

Ben had seen them in a different light. He’d seen her a dozen ways. He’d traced the constellations of freckles with his own hands. He’d held Rey close in his arms. He’d had her with him, all around him. She’d looked at him without a trace of the wariness she had now. She’d been his.

The visions felt real, as real as breathing, and Ben sank into them. Memories, they must be memories. Of course the first ones he reclaimed would be of Rey.

#

Even a luxurious shower for Rey only lasted a few minutes. No matter how much water was available, she couldn’t bring herself to do more than scrub herself down. She stepped out and dried herself off with indifferent efficiency born of never caring much what she looked like to anyone.

Ben’s eyes were still closed. Good. At least he’d listened to her about that.

“Okay,” she said when she was safely concealed with a towel, “you can open your eyes now.”

He didn’t.

“Ben?”

No reaction.

Rey took a cautious step forward. His breathing was deep and even. Slumped against the wall, eyes closed, head bowed, Ben almost looked like he was meditating.

She knelt in front of him. “Ben?” She reached forward and tucked some of his hair behind his ear.

Ben startled at the contact.

Rey’s heart stuttered. His eyes were huge, dark pools and he watched her with an intensity that froze her like prey caught in the path of a hunter. They were only inches apart, close enough that their breaths mingled between them. Close enough to—

Ben leaned up and pressed his lips to hers.

For heartbeat, the universe held its breath around them. Then Rey jerked backward so hard that she lost her balance.

“What did you do that for?” She scrubbed the back of her arm over her mouth.

 _I wanted to._ Ben looked as surprised by her reaction as she had been by the kiss in the first place.

“Well, don’t!”

_Why not?_

He reached toward her, but Rey swatted his hand away. She heaved herself to her feet and readjusted the towel around her.

“Because I don’t want you to!”

Ben shook his head like he was trying to dislodge something from his mind. _But you’re… we’re…?_ His eyebrows pulled together. _Aren’t we?_

The question came to Rey with a flood of visions. Her and Ben tangled in every manner possible and then some. Rey hadn’t imagined some of these things, much less done them… much less done them _with Ben_. Heat rushed through her.

“We never did _any_ of that!”

He searched her face. _I remember it._

“Well, it never happened.” When he looked about the protest more, she cut him off. “We aren’t anything.”

 _That’s not true._ He fixed Rey with a look that surprised her with its vulnerability. _You’re my everything._

“Ben—"

_You came to find me. Why would you do that if I meant nothing to you?_

“You didn’t exactly give me a choice.” Rey ran her fingers through her hair, cringing at the unfamiliar feel of the wet strands. “You wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t sleep or eat or anything. I was so caught up in your shit that I—” her tongue stuck in her mouth at the look of horror that had taken over Ben’s face.

_I didn’t realize. I wasn’t trying to… I would never hurt you. Please, I—_

Rey shook her head. She didn’t want apologies. Not from him. Not right now. “I need to—” She looked around the room, anywhere but at him. “I’m going to go. I just need… Give me a few minutes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again for all your support.  
> Please feel free to show your love with a kudos, a comment, or by [buying me a coffee](https://www.ko-fi.com/daphnethewriter) <3


	5. Just You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated a little late this week because *reasons*.  
> Thanks to everyone for your kudos and kind words. I love you all <3

A few minutes turned into a few hours. Which turned into most of a day. Rey was avoiding Ben. She knew that. And she knew that she shouldn’t be. She just couldn’t face him.

Rey managed to unearth the speeder through a mix of brute effort, the Force, and cursing. She set up a shelter for it over a drier part of the bunker so it wouldn’t sink again.

Ben checked in on her a few times, his mind’s touch like the brush of butterfly wings. She didn’t acknowledge it, but didn’t push it away either. He was worried about her, about how she had reacted when he kissed her. She still burned at the thought. But it wasn’t fair to punish him for it. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He hadn’t known. And she had been the one who ran away.

No one had ever _needed_ her before.

No one had ever felt for her the way that Ben did. There had been other… partners before, mingled breaths and fumbling in the dark. But with Ben… it was raw need. She could feel it like a knife against her throat. Everything about him was so _intense_. The sheer force of it threatened to pull her under just like the bog beneath her feet. Kylo Ren and now Ben… both terrifying in different ways.

The speeder was in surprisingly good shape. Rey needed to flush the systems and repair the circuit board, but nothing major needed to be replaced. It wouldn’t look pretty, but it would fly well enough to get back to the outpost.

Rey fiddled with a series of bolts that attached the paneling over the engine of the speeder. She was procrastinating going back in to Ben. There wasn’t anything more she could do out here until she’d repaired the circuit board. All the tools to do that would be inside. The ever-present drizzle solidified into a steady acid rain that stung her skin. Rey hunched her shoulders against the onslaught. Just a few more minutes. She’d indulge her weakness just a little while longer.

#

How could Ben have been so wrong? The visions had felt so _real_. The reaction he’d felt to them was emotional, physical… tangible. It was the realest thing that he had felt since the pain.

_We never did any of that!_

Not real. They weren’t real, but they felt that way. That called into question all sorts of things. Everything he saw or heard or felt was suspect.

Rey had left and Ben wasn’t sure if she was coming back.

He rubbed at the bandages that covered his chest, using the pain to help him focus. Rey would come back for him, right? She wouldn’t just leave him here. Not alone. Right?

He reached out for her, unable to stop himself. She wasn’t far. Her laser focus drowned out everything else around her.

Ben pressed harder against his wounds, eliciting a sharp pang that took his breath away. It was a relief. The pain was real. Rey was real. He could feel her the same way. Bone deep.

Darkness welled up around him, bubbling up from the floor around his feet. The walls crept closer, their shapes distorting into impossible angles. All the sound rushed out of the room. Only echoing silence remained in its wake. The darkness closed over his legs, pinning him in place. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t—

“Ben, stop.”

Ben blinked a few times to bring the world into focus. Rey knelt in front of him, her big, brown eyes wide with worry. He didn’t remember her coming into the room. He didn’t remember her getting so close.

“You’re bleeding.”

Rey’s fingers wrapped around his wrist, firmly but gently pulling his hand from where he had been mindlessly clawing at the bandages. The wound ached anew and fresh blood welled through the layers of gauze and cloth.

 _You were gone_ , Ben said, aware that this didn’t offer an explanation.

“That’s no reason to undo all my hard work,” Rey said. She was already focused on the injury, unwinding the wrappings from him.

Having her close again felt like fresh air in his lungs. It was as if his heart had ceased to beat, waiting until it could synch with hers again. Ben watched her nimble hands unroll layer after layer of bandages. She set each aside in a careful pile.

_I’m sorry._

“It’s fine. I needed to change these soon anyway.”

_Not just that. For all of it._

She paused. She still didn’t look at him, instead focusing with steely intensity on the task she was no longer performing.

He continued, _I honestly thought that—_

“Don’t, Ben.”

_I’m sorry. My mind is… fuzzy when you aren’t around. There are things I should remember and I don’t and they—_

Rey’s grip around his wrist returned and only then did he realize that he’d been unconsciously reaching for his injuries again. He flexed his hand in her grasp.

_Tell me what I did to hurt you. I did something. I can see it in your eyes._

#

How could Rey tell someone that they were responsible for the deaths of billions? For the destruction of entire cultures? How could she place that burden on Ben’s shoulders?

She swallowed. Ben’s gaze followed the motion. “Maybe another time,” she said.

 _Why are you afraid of me?_ Ben asked. He held her fingers in his hand, gently rolling them between his fingertips. It was the smallest of touches, but Rey couldn’t pull away. _I’ll never hurt you._

She had to swallow to find her voice. “You don’t know that,” she said. “You don’t know what happened—”

 _Whoever I was,_ he said, _whatever I did to you… I’m not that person now._

“You’ll remember. Eventually, you’ll remember who you were and you’ll—” _You’ll leave me._ she couldn’t finish the thought. Alone. She’d be all alone. Again. Always alone. So lonely. So—

 _You aren’t alone._ Ben leaned forward just far enough that he could rest his forehead against hers. One hand came up to cup her jaw. _I’ll never leave you._

“You don’t know that.”

_The first thing that I knew about you was that I love you._

Rey shook her head. “You only say that because you can’t remember anything else.”

_Exactly. I lost everything. Everything except you. Some part of me held so tightly to you that oblivion couldn’t even pull me away._

Rey’s chest ached. Yes, something had held them together: Snoke’s Force bond. A trick meant to be Rey’s undoing… and Ben thought it was love.

“I’ll tell you everything,” Rey said. “I promise. But not today.” She returned to rebandaging him, and Ben let his hands drop from her. “For now, I need to fix this”—she gestured to a mess of electrical components that sat on the floor at her side—“and you need to rest.”

#

Ben sat on the bed, ‘resting’. Despite Rey’s insistence that he needed it, he itched for action. He wanted to be useful.

Rey was fixing something. Some sort of circuit board. Her fingers danced over the electronics, moving with practiced efficiency that entranced Ben. Even as she focused her attention away from him, her body still wore the signs of constant vigilance. Her whole body was coiled, like Rey was waiting for an attack.

It seemed that no matter what situation they were in, Rey couldn’t relax around him. Ben stretched his mind toward the blackness of memories that no longer existed, trying to find a sliver of hope that she had ever let her guard down with him. The past was just as silent as it had been so far.

Ben wanted to remember, but he also dreaded it. There was a reason that Rey hadn’t told him much aside from his name. There were things she feared him knowing, so he feared them too. What had he been to her that she was so terrified? What had he been that she came to find him anyway?

An errant strand of hair fell across the nape of her neck. Ben studied it, the way it twisted around itself, a perfect brown curl. He reached out and took it between his fingers. Rey jolted as his hand brushed against her skin.

“What are you doing?” she asked as she twisted around to fix him with an accusing glare.

_Nothing._

“Well, stop it.” She turned back to her work.

Ben watched her a little longer, then reached for her again. This time he ran the backs of his fingers down the length of her neck.

Rey whirled around the face him. “You’re supposed to be resting.”

_I am._

“You’re bothering me,” she snapped. “I need to fix this.”

_I’m bored._

“Then go to sleep.”

_I’m not tired._

“That isn’t my problem.”

_Let me help._

“You’ll just get in the way.”

_Then teach me._

“No.”

Ben heaved a massive sigh and slouched back. Rey turned back to the circuit board with a vengeance, losing some of the fluidity in her movements.

#

So, this was Ben Solo. Stripped of all the trappings of the First Order, of all the twisted logic of Snoke, of the memories of betrayal and fear. This was pure Ben, who pouted when he didn’t get his way and ducked his head when he smiled and took every opportunity to touch her.

He was so sure of his feelings, so sure of _her_. It was unnerving. He had kissed her as if he’d done so every day of his life. He trusted her with his life, placed himself in her hands. He laid his whole damn soul at her feet, bare and vulnerable. Kylo Ren had reached out to her, but Ben Solo _trusted_ her to reach back.

Rey tried not to let herself get tangled up in it.

It would be so easy to fall into it, to pretend that this was real. He was everything she’d thought he could be and more. This was what she’d seen when she’d touched his hand. But it wasn’t real. He hadn’t chosen this. And Rey had no guarantee that he’d still choose her when all the rest came flooding back.

She shook her head and brought her concentration back once more to the circuit board. She could only do one thing at a time. Priority One: fix the speeder.

Rey needed to get back to the outpost. She wanted to check on the Falcon and they were running low on supplies. Food for one, but more importantly, medical supplies. Ben’s injuries went through more bandages than this remote bunker had stocked. Besides, something more potent would be even better.

And what would she do once he was healed?

If he remembered, there was no power in the galaxy that could help her.

But if Ben didn’t regain his memories, where could they go? Certainly not to the Resistance. Even with Leia’s help, the most Ben could hope for was a trial. More likely, the Resistance would execute him on sight. That was a fitting end for Kylo Ren, but not for the man sitting behind her, casually swirling his fingers over the skin of her shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, if you like what I do, leave a kudos, a comment, or maybe [buy me a coffee](https://www.ko-fi.com/daphnethewriter) <3


	6. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! Thanks everyone for your kudos and comments (so many thoughts about the last chapter!). As always, I love you so much just for being here <3

“I have to go for a little while,” Rey said.

Ben sat on the edge of the bed. He wasn’t looking at her, which probably wasn’t a good sign. Rey had known that this would be a difficult conversation. She’d just expected it to be more of a fight. She’d expected that he’d insist she didn’t need to leave, or that he needed to go with her. She’d thought he’d be more demanding. But he wasn’t.

“We need supplies,” she tried again, “food and medical equipment.”

Ben nodded. He took her hand in his, gently running their fingers together. Rey had given up on fighting that particular habit of his. Touching her soothed him and whether Rey liked to admit it or not, it soothed her too. She’d become accustomed to loneliness when she lived on Jakku. Touch happened rarely and even more rarely was it welcomed. Living with the Resistance had felt suffocating. Too many people, too close. There had barely been enough air to breathe.

With Ben, though, it was just enough. It was just them. He was gentle and in his own way was unobtrusive. Rey had come to find his constant presence reassuring.

“I’ll be back soon.” It felt like an offer, a bribe to get him to look at her. His silent acceptance of her decision was a pain all its own.

Ben’s gaze finally lifted from where it had been fixed on their joined hands. _Be safe,_ he said.

Rey nodded.

She couldn’t help but feel a weighty sort of significance as she packed a few spare supplies and sped away from the bunker. 

#

Even though Rey had been to the outpost before, it felt unfamiliar as she maneuvered the speeder into it. Perhaps because she’d been half out of her mind when she’d first arrived, she’d never taken it in fully. It was, however, exactly what she expected. A grimy outpost filled with the sorts of people who made due with less than nothing, who scraped a living by digging themselves deeper into the debt of others, who gazed up at the stars, but would never get any closer to them than they were now. Rey recognized the look in their eyes because she had been the same person once herself.

The Falcon was safe enough. She’d half feared that she’d come back to find it scrapped for parts. It wouldn’t be unusual. She’d seen the same thing happen on Jakku more times than she could count. Perhaps, for once, the garbage appearance of the Falcon did it a favor. Trash was rarely worth salvaging.

As she left her inspection of the Falcon (she wanted it ready to fly no matter the circumstances), she felt a shift in the atmosphere in the hangar. A hum hung in the air, an electric current of nervous energy that made the hair on Rey’s arms rise.

Something was wrong.

She narrowed her eyes and kept her head down. Her hand went to the blaster at her hip. She slowed as she walked down the hatch, her awareness thrown wide to catch any hint of danger. The wind tasted of fear.

She stopped, closed her eyes, reached out with her feelings as Luke had taught her, and felt… Storm Troopers.

Her eyes snapped open.

The Force signature was unmistakable. Storm Troopers didn’t think all with one mind, but it was eerily similar. The extensive brainwashing that they underwent as children left them mentally vulnerable, the perfect military attack weapon. They were drones without the expensive machinery.

Now they she knew they were here, she could hear the distinctive tramping of their boots, always in step. Their muffled metallic voiced echoed off the uneven metal surfaces of the hangar. They weren’t close to her, which was fortunate. But they were here, which wasn’t.

There was only one thing that would bring Storm Troopers to a barren outpost like T’Cher: Kylo Ren. Someone was looking for him, whether it was the person who tortured him in the first place or someone else, it didn’t really matter. Rey didn’t have much of a head start.

#

Something was coming.

Ben felt the convergence of energy in the air like a gathering storm. The machinery of fate was falling into place, ticking toward an inevitable end. He could feel the looming dread spread through his chest.

And _of course_ Rey wasn’t here when it would happen. She was gone, far out of his reach on some stupid supply run where he couldn’t protect her.

 _Rey_.

She didn’t respond. Her mind had once again narrowed to a laser-like focus that he couldn’t interrupt.

Ben heaved himself out of the bed, muscles and injuries screaming in protest. He had mended a lot for the few weeks that he had spent resting, but there was still a long way to go. Distant memories whispered that there were faster ways to heal, but every time he tried to call them up they vanished into the darkness.

He braced himself against the wall to stop from falling. His vision greyed against the pain, but he shook it away. He needed to get to Rey or, at least, get as close as he could. He took a staggering step forward, felt the bones of his leg creak from the stress, then took another.

#

The acid mist of the bog stung in Rey’s eyes and soaked through her clothes as she pushed the speeder to its limits through the trees. Her hands guided the controls on instinct, swerving through trees as if she knew the path before it was presented to her. Rey sent a thankful prayer out through the Force and felt it hum back at her in appreciation.

She felt the danger of the coming Storm Troopers like a looming dust storm behind her. T’Cher didn’t have dust storms, of course, but Jakku had. They were monstrous things, dozens of miles wide and lasting for days. The wind-whipped sand could strip the flesh from bones in a matter of minutes. Rey had never forgotten her terror when she first saw one. She felt that same terror now.

As she neared the bunker a figure came into view. Rey’s heart jumped into her throat as she realized who it was.

Ben stood in front the hatch, half dressed, with blood seeping through his bandages. His skin was a ghastly shade a grey and his face was drawn with lines of pain.

“What do you think you’re doing out here?” she shouted over the roar of the speeder’s engine.

 _Something’s coming_.

“Yeah, and they’re looking for _you_!” She grabbed him arm and tugged him roughly toward the hatch. “We need to get inside. We need to hide.”

Ben resisted her efforts with surprising force. _You want to hide? These people threaten you and you won’t stand and fight?_

“Who do you think you’re going to fight? You can barely stand. They’ll kill you.”

Fire blazed in Ben’s eyes and Rey abruptly let go of his arm. She had seen that look before—all too often—on Kylo Ren. He’d burned with an intensity so strong that it seared through her. For a moment, she saw only the warrior that had first captured her, the monster that had haunted her nightmares. She took a step back.

#

Recognition flashed across Ben’s mind. A half-memory, barely a hint of recollection, surfaced. He had seen this look on Rey’s face before. She stared at him with wide, fearful eyes. Soaked through to the skin, hair plastered to her face, she looked so small, almost childlike.

Ben’s fury snuffed like a candle in the rain.

 _I won’t hurt you_ , he said because it felt like the only thing he knew to be true. He held his hand out to her, desperate for her to take it again. How could he have taken her touch for granted just a moment before?

“Please, Ben.” She slid her hand into his. “They’ll kill you.”

Rey had said ‘you’, not ‘us’. It wasn’t her own life she feared for, it was his. Ben nodded and let her lead him back into the bunker.

Whatever inhuman strength had propelled him out onto the surface to meet Rey was fading fast. By the time they’d descended back into the familiar hallways, Ben was leaning heavily on Rey for support. They moved slowly, too slowly through the corridors. All the while, Ben felt the universe pressing in around him, warning him of the coming danger. They didn’t have much time.

Rey muttered to herself as she half-dragged him through the hallway, winding their way further into the depths of a compound that neither of them had fully explored.

 _Rey._ She ignored him. _Rey,_ he said again. _Rey stop._

“Shut up,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just keep moving.

_We can’t run far enough._

“Of course we can.”

 _They’re already here_.

#

Rey finally stopped. Ben was right, the storm troopers were here. She could hear them far away, just at the entrance hatch.

Her lungs were on fire and each breath hurt. She helped Ben to balance himself against the wall.

_What do you think is going to happen when they find out I’m not still trapped?_

Rey considered, forcing her thoughts to slow down long enough to come to a coherent conclusion. There was no way they wouldn’t notice his absence from the torture chamber. The second they did, they’d report it, call for reinforcements. The bunker would be swamped with Storm Troopers. No corner would stay undiscovered. Rey and Ben would never get out of here alive.

“What do we do?” Rey asked. She hated how small her voice sounded.

_If no one leaves, no one sounds the alarm._

Rey looked to him in shock. Her stomach churned. “We aren’t killing anyone.”

_Rey—_

“We aren’t killing anyone,” she reiterated. Finn’s face floated before her eyes. His voice, all the stories that he had told her—of the training and reconditioning—echoed in her ears. For all their intentions to harm her and Ben, these people were victims of the First Order as well. Rey couldn’t condemn them to death for that.

Ben didn’t argue further with her. _What do you suggest?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like what I make, consider leaving a kudos or a comment <3


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